So you can imagine my surprise and glee when Gary from Nova Scotia contacted me for a guided tour of the La Luz trail. I don't even know how he found me. I got Gaius Derf to accompany us since he is a real affectionado of this trail.
We went really early so we would have Gary avoid a lot of the heat. The hike was great and we got to the lookout point (4.5 miles) at around 8:30 AM so we got to see the sun starting to shine on the mountains
The early morning sun brought out the red in the rock.
It was about this time that things started to go downhill. Gary pulls out this sunscreen with a floral scent. Never heard of anything like this before. It must be a Canadian thing. Anyway Gary is putting this stuff on and it is strong. I'm not thinking a whole lot about this until suddenly a hummingbird shows up. I wrote last week about my near death experience with the killer hummingbird. I started to tell Gary that I didn't think that this floral sunscreen was such a good idea. He laughed at me but the hummingbird was being very persistent.Then it nicked his ear and blood started to flow.
Before we knew it a dozen birds showed up all swarming Gary...then it seemed like a hundred. Gary was trying to swat them and fight them. Derf was ready to wade it when I stopped him.
"Derf don't go! We need to check if he signed is release document!"
"Release document?"
"Yes, my insurance company said that in any kind of unusual situation I had to make sure that I have a release form signed allowing us to act on his behalf."
So I flounder through my pack but I'm not finding anything.
"Gary, did you give us your release form"
"Arrrrggggg!"
"I think it was in your introduction pack."
"Agggggggggggggg!"
"On page 358?"
"Grrrrggggaaaaaahhhhgggggg!"
"Uh de-I, I think it might be bit too late"
Well who would have known? They were vamire killer hummingbirds! When they all flew off all there was was a shriveled up hunk of poor Gary. So what the heck were we going to do? Well the first theing to do was to get rid of the body. I mean losing a hiker to killer vampire hummingbirds is not good for business. Fortunately we're over a big ole canyon in the wilderness so over the edge goes what's left of Gary.
But now the question arises, what are we going to tell the next of kin? I need your help. How should we spin this to ensure the continuation of de-I Sandia Outfitters? The winning entry gets a free weekend with hiking at de-I Towers.
9 comments:
When they contact you, just say "Gary? Gary who? I have no idea of whom you speak." You may have to knock off Derf though too just to make sure he doesn't talk.
Killer Hummingbirds? And thought Bears were the real risk. To funny about the floral scent though. Only a Canadian.....
ooo, little dark this tale!
You should tell the next of kin that when you reached the lookout point, a strange flying craft landed. Little green beings with large bulbous heads exited the craft and greeted all of you, saying they were looking for volunteers to return with them to their planet which was described as a beautiful and tropical paradise, free of floral sunscreen and vampire hummingbirds. Suspecting butt probes and brain scans, you and Gaius Derf politely declined, but there was no stopping Gary. Poor Gary.
First things first, you forge his name on the releases. Next you claim to have all 3 started out together, but Gary decided to break off on his own after sunrise -against the advice of his professional guides, claiming "you too are slowing me down". That was the last you saw of him, but you did spot a cougar about a quarter of an hour later. You volunteer to help with the search, but you lead them to a different ridge. It was all Gary's own fault for not listening to his guides and following the agreement he signed prior to the hike. You can keep Derf quiet by keeping his mouth full of gourmet meals, but you better hope that the hummingbirds don't sing.
Hiking with you is a prize??...this must be some sort of japanese game show.
First you must return to the scene of the crime. Retrieve the body and artifacts that remain. You then make a small fire to burn everything. Once it has all been reduced to ashes, you report to the police the following: "Gary from Nova Scota was along with us on the hike. Unfortunately at approximately 4:30 in the morning (sunrise) his feeble canadian skin that was not accustomed to such a large and bright glowing orb in the sky, suddenly burst into flames. Poor Gary did not stand a chance against the radiant Albuquerque sun. Perhaps he should have replaced the "floral scented" sunscreen with something like, oh say, drywall mud."
So close between Weaselmom and BGB.
But I have to say that WM, you sound like you've had experience with this kind of thing. Aren't you from Philly Italian heritage? And now you're Chicago?
Well anyway make sure you bring your hiking boots. For you I promise things will be different than our usual hikes.
And don't forget your floral sunscreen :)
"The dog ate him." (That works for everything, right?)
My attempt was intentionally weak, as I don't know if I would be able to keep up with you and your hiking. You are a machine, sir.
Yay! I won! Maybe I shouldn't be so excited about that. Hmmm, I hike through the garden and past the peach tree and berry bushes is my safeest bet.
I can not confirm any prior experience in these areas. Yes a grew up in an Italian area of Philly, but am an Irish girl and now reside in Chicago.
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