So You Want To Be A Guide For de-I's Sandia Mountain Outfitters

Not just anyone can become a guide at the prestigious (though there are those that say infamous but we don't pay any attention to those naysayers) de-I's Sandia Mountain Outfitters (Our motto - You Have Nothing to Lose but Yourself!).

A de-ISMO guide must have a combination of physical, mental, and ethical properties that are critical to accomplishing his or her mission.

A candidate must be in good physical condition. A guide has to be at least a bit faster than the fastest person they are guiding. If the party being guided is attached by a bear or a puma, a guide must be able to leave the person being guided as bait for said bear or puma understanding that it easier to get a new customer than it is to train a new guide!

A guide must understand the values and mission of de-ISMO as reflected in these statements from its application.

• Release of Liability - Part 1 - Person being guided will acknowledge that they are the sole person responsible for their well being (even if we through our own incompetence cause you to be lost, fall down, get bitten by any wild animal or fellow hiker, etc.)

• Release of Liability - Part 2 - Person being guided accepts full financial responsibility for their guided hike. Please initial here to indicate your acceptance of financial responsibility _______ and hereby make de-ISMO your legal heir, beneficiary of any and all life insurance policies, and entitled to all assets owned by you.

A guide must be responsive and understanding of customers.

Excerpts from the de-I Sandia Mountain Outfitter Guide for Customers:

• Person being Guided is expected to follow any and all instructions of their guide (even in the event that said instructions put person being guided in danger - see Release of Liability)

• Person being Guided shall have no recourse against de-ISMO in the event of guide error if they have not pointed out guide error when said error was noticed (not withstanding that clients are prohibited from criticizing or questioning a guide)

• Person being Guided is expected to notify guide of their level of conditioning. Such level shall most likely be ignored by guide.

• Person being Guided will be given precise distances, altitudes climbed, water requirements, etc. for each hike even though the hike itself will most likely not resemble anything provided to Person being Guided previously.

A guide should be a master of camouflage. How else can you keep sneak up on the customers and hear any libelous things they might be saying about de-ISMO!


A guide must be entrepreneurial and a self-starter

Excerpts from the de-I Sandia Mountain Outfitter Guide's Handbook

• Guides are expected to find means for compensating themselves through 'living off the land'. Cash and jewelry taken from customers who have "unfortunate accidents" are considered part of 'the land'. Credit cards must be turned over to de-ISMO HQ. Guides are entitled to 10% of any assets or life insurance proceeds received by de-ISMO - See Release of Liability form.

If you can meet these incredibly high and demanding standards then yes you too can be entered into the ranks of the few, the proud, the wanted on Post Office posters,

THE DE-I SANDIA MOUNTAIN OUTFITTER GUIDES