Getting Your Sicilian Tourist Driver's Permit

 To get a Sicilian Tourist Driver's permit requires passing a three-part test. On Monday, I took the test.

Part One - Old Town Navigation

Make your way via GPS to 'Picturesque Mountain Village'. Your rental car will have a warning light come on indicating a problem. You may choose to return to your base and go to the rental car location by which you will have failed the test. Or you may stop at service station to try and problem solve the issue despite not speaking any Italian. 

Assuming you have resolved your rental car issue, continue up the winding mountain road until you come to a parking area at the entrance to the Picturesque Mountain Village. If you fail to stop and park, you will continue on to the next part of the test. Continue driving through the very narrow roads until you come to a detour on the main route through town. Take side streets and lose track of the detour route. Navigate yourself into the Medieval town equivalent of a box canyon with only maybe a foot on either side of your vehicle. Send your spouse out to navigate. Determine that the actual route is actually some distance behind you. 

Next decide whether you will figure some way to extricate yourself or if you will leave the car for the rental car to pick-up while you hitchhike the 30 miles back to your home base. Since you have decided you want to pass the test, you choose the former. 

Now back your vehicle up with your spouse directing you, stopping every 10 feet or so to pull up and straighten out as you are veering off into one of the walls until you reach a potential place to turnaround so you can drive going forward. To navigate this turnaround, you will need to execute a number of Y turns with no more than 5 feet of distance in any direction. You are limited to no more than 30 of these Y turns or you fail the test.

Having successfully turned your vehicle around without taking out any exposed water pipes or damaging your vehicle, you may now proceed out of the town. 

You have passed the first part of the test.

Part Two - Washed Out Mountain Road Navigation

Having exited the Picturesque Old Mountain Village, you now may descend another winding mountain road that is clearly not the one you came up but seems to be going generally in the right direction. Proceed until you come to where part of the mountainside has washed onto the road from recent rains. Decide whether you will continue (the test continues) or turnaround to go through the Old Picturesque Village the way you came (you retake part one of the test). Continue down the road as the washouts continue to get larger and more difficult to get around until you come to an intersection that is covered in large rocks. Pick your way through the rocks to continue down the road. Come to where a construction crew is clearing up the slides. Watch as workman comes up to you clearly intending to tell you you may not pass. Use your total lack of ability with the language to have the workman shrug his shoulders, shake his head and throw up a thought bubble saying "Tourists" while allowing you to pass through and go down the now clear road.

You have passed the second part of the test.

Part Three - Parking

Return to the parking garage where you have an assigned parking place for your apartment. Execute a number of Y turns, navigated by your spouse, so your car is turned around and you can now attempt to parallel park it between two other cars. Realize that across from where you are to park a very large van has parked WAY outside its lines so its ass his sticking out into the lane preventing you from angling your car correctly as you parallel park. Using the technique of multiple very sharp maneuvers in minimal distance learned in part one, gradually ease your car into the space so it is clearly within the lines of the parking place allotted you. You may use no more than 20 of these maneuvers for this part of the test. 

When your vehicle is in the parking place acceptably between all the lines, you have passed the third part of the test. 

Congratulations. You have now successfully attained your Sicilian Tourist Driver's Permit. Feel free to explore all the mountain villages, roads and city parking places of our fine island.