I wrote back in January about all my feelings with the passing of my Father and the feelings of mourning for what I didn't have more than for what I had lost. One of the things that has particularly bugged me is the understanding of how my Dad's jealous attachment to my Mom kept me from having a deeper relationship with her.
This has been a lot on my mind over the last couple of months. I have really reached a good place and reconciliation with the good and the bad associated with my Father relationship. But it has bugged me that I have had this empty, no feelings at all about my Mom. True it was 8 years ago that she passed but really, I was closer to her all my life. So why this nothing inside?
I've blamed it mostly on the fact that Dad totally kept us at arms length throughout the two year period that Mom went through her cancer. So I never had a chance to have those really hard and powerful discussions and experiences that I did with my Dad. It was an important part of the closure process that never took place.
Then this week two events happened that have changed things.
First my daughter #3 in Amsterdam wrote a lovely post on her blog where she was reminiscing about her memories of her Grandma (my Mom). Reading that brought back a flood of experience memories. Then today we got the shipment of goods from my Dad's house that we had picked out. In that shipment were some, not so valuable, but very meaningful objects.
A set of heavy glass mixing bowls. I loved these. Mom had these for as long as I can remember. And when I made my commitment to come often after we moved to Albuquerque, we would often use these for our cooking together. That big one on the bottom was great for mixing pasta with sauce. And the second largest one was always filled with mashed potatoes when we were making the Thanksgiving dinner.
With these two things a whole lot has been coming back. And a lot of pain associated with not properly having put them to rest. But that is a good thing.