Joy

I am not sure I understand quite what is happening. Let me rephrase that. I am totally not understanding what is happening.

When you age you are supposed to be bemoaning the loss of your capabilities. You go within and withdraw. Right? Isn't that what everyone says? You are just playing out the final hands you have been dealt. Bitching about what the world has become. Getting more reactionary and bitter. At least, those are the role models I've seen from so many who preceded me.

So why do I feel so upbeat. Why am I so excited about all the opportunities that lay before me. It isn't a question of whether I will succeed or not. It makes no difference if we make it to another country to live or not. It doesn't make any difference if Theodora succeeds or not. It is the shear joy of pursuing these wonderful goals.

I am filled with energy. I go through my day with zeal. Don't get me wrong. I do feel the limitations of my 75 year old body. I get tired much, much easier. I can only sustain the effort for so long. But damn, the newspaper, my nemesis, each day records this or that person person around my age who has died. Part of me says, "Well that could very well be me." The other part says, "F that, I am alive, excited, having a blast, pursuing cool projects. Balls to the walls. Let's keep going."

I don't understand any of it. I just know I am in as blissful a state as I can ever remember.

Weird.