Sunday, February 22, 2015

An End To Tilting At Windmills?

(As always the warning that this post contains unabashedly spiritual content.  Avoid if that bothers you.)

I've documented at length under the 'Transition' label the multi year process of accepting the change of life that occurs going from the years of work to the years of retirement.  In particular I've talked a lot about dealing with my fighting the Dragon of ego to get to a place where I can have a meaningful new reality.  In the last week or so I've had a couple of very significant realizations. 

During this process, I focused on my ego attachments to the business that I've build and the work that I've done since the mid-1990's because that was most pertinent to my ego issues during this transition.  But a train of thought came to me during the course of weeks worth of meditation and contemplation that went like this.
  • The ego attachment that I had identified really took the shape of a 'needing to show somebody something'.  Kind of like the words, "Well they really don't appreciate how good I am, so I have to show them."
  • Then I realized that this feeling of 'needing to prove something to somebody' was not restricted to just this business that I built, but manifested all through my career.
  • Then I realized that this feeling had manifested itself all through my life!  In fact, I can identify this feeling going back to my earliest memories.
"Holy crap," I said to myself, "You mean this has been the core of my self-image forever?"

This isn't just some attachment to his business edifice.  It has been a key part of the fabric of my being. And who are these others that I have felt my whole life that I needed to prove something too?  Clearly it hasn't been the individuals or organizations that I set up because it made no difference what I did or in what arena I did it or when I did it, I'd find someone, something, some group that I had to prove something too.

The path that I follow, we are encouraged to seek out the attachments that keep us separated from the unity that truly is the see through the illusions of life.  If this isn't a core attachment and illusion, I don't know what is. 

I haven't decided quite what I'm supposed to do with this revelation but I certainly have felt a lot lighter since it took place.


alexis said...

dear, I've been wondering since we talked this weekend if I have inherited this as well? Think I need more time to muse on in.

Renee Michelle Goertzen said...

That sounds like a big realization. It often takes me time to process things like this: I can have a big idea, but then I have to sit with it a while to know how it should affect my life going forward.

terri said...

I love this spiritual stuff and will read anything and everything you're willing to share. Feeling that I've started a spiritual journey of my own recently, I'm fascinated by what others learn and discover.

I would say that we all probably have a bit of this ego attachment. As accomplished as you are in life, maybe you've taken yours to a higher level than some others might. I don't know what you're supposed to do with this new knowledge either, but in my opinion, there should be a level of thankfulness. Although you seem to imply that the ego attachment is somewhat negative, there's no denying it has contributed to your successes in life.

Pulisha said...

I think this is at the core of most of us as we go through life. There are very few people who really (truly) do not care what others think of us. Most of us walk through life with something to prove, whether it be to our parents, children, partners, colleagues, peers, or random strangers. I think they are the happy ones.